Spotify Playlist for Chapter 1!
That look.
That look would be her undoing.
Ariana shivered in the memory of Lukas’ burning stare from across the cafeteria. The way his lips turned upward into a half-hidden smile when their eyes finally met would undoubtedly keep her awake tonight. Even so, daydreaming of Lukas easily took precedence over the AP History exam in front of her. She tried to imagine what would happen if they found themselves alone together, maybe in a dark, abandoned stairwell at a party. His hand against her waist, pulling her closer and closer to him until...
“Fifteen minutes left!” the teacher announced.
Ariana shook her head and held her hands poised above the keyboard. Essay exams were a piece of cake even if she only half-understood the subject. But before she could type out the first line, a familiar drip of anxiety splashed in her stomach. She shook her head again, choosing to ignore it. There was nothing to be worried about right now. No reason to panic. Ariana touched her fingertips to the keys and began typing, creating her own version of history.
But then there was another drip.
And another.
The drips churned one by one into a medley of panic and despair in her gut. She inhaled sharply. It was as if someone was taking a rake across her brain, stripping out the happiness. She gave up on the exam, grabbing the edges of her desk as her eyes darted around the room. No, this can’t be happening now, Ariana thought, squeezing her eyes shut. She willed herself to calm down, but it was too late.
You’re not safe. You’re not good enough. Everything is wrong.
A pained gasp escaped her lips. Ariana cursed herself and peeked at her classmates, but no one was watching her for once—they were all too caught up in the exam that would account for ten percent of their grade, due in about five minutes.
“May I be excused?” Ariana’s voice broke at the end of the question. She had to get out of there, somewhere safe where she could let the attack play out, away from everyone so she could fully break down.
Several students looked up.
“What about your exam?” the teacher asked.
Tears threatened the corners of her eyes. “I’m finished. Please?”
Recognition flashed across the teacher’s face. “Take your things, you’re excused.”
Ariana let go of her death grip on the desk and slammed the laptop shut. She slung her backpack over her shoulder and raced for the door.
As she ran down the deserted hallway, her choking breaths echoed off the white concrete walls, each reverberation a reminder of how different she was from everyone else. What she wouldn’t give to live without erratic anxiety. She was almost to the bathroom, but the edges of her vision were blurring. Don’t faint, don’t faint, please don’t faint, Ariana chanted to herself.
In what seemed like slow motion, she shoved into the bathroom and sank to the floor. She put her head between her legs and began to sob as the darkness engulfed her.
Half an hour later, Ariana stepped through the school doors and frowned up at the sun. Another day that she couldn’t control a stupid anxiety attack. She sighed, thinking about how she wouldn’t be able to mark an X on today’s date in the calendar she hid in her dresser. She’d seen psychologists before, but they’d been little help. She knew a couple of friends who had managed to find a good therapist, but that just hadn’t happened for her so far. Hers had all immediately tried to get her on some sort of prescription drug, which, although she knew that could be helpful, she wasn’t ready to resort to drugs yet. She hadn’t discovered it, but she just knew there had to be a way to end the attacks on her own, or at least calm them down.
Ariana ran a hand through her golden-brown hair, racking her brain for what the cause might have been. The upcoming cheerleading tryouts came to mind, but she was a shoo-in, so no true worry surrounding that. She’d been getting along with her mom lately, so it wasn’t anything at home. Everything with her friends and schoolwork was mostly fine, or at least there was no drama right now, making it hard to pinpoint any particular culprit in her life.
Ariana gulped down some fresh air. Sometimes she could swear the attacks came in anticipation of events she didn’t know about yet. And although she didn’t truly believe it, sometimes she wondered if they acted as a premonition—her instincts picking up on currents of danger only just beginning to form. She leaned against the gridiron gate surrounding the football field and pulled out the latest dystopian book she’d picked up, turning to another reality to soothe the stress of her own.
An overwhelming sensation of being watched brought Ariana out of her reading, and a murmur of her name confirmed her suspicion.
“That’s Ariana Knight…” the voice said.
Ariana whirled around to find the source, spotting three guilty freshman boys staring at her and whispering to one another. The tallest of the boys, a gangly redhead with freckles spattering his cheeks, noticed her gaze and nudged his buddies sharply in the ribs. Ariana shot them a knowing smirk. Caught you, she thought. The tall freshman blushed a bright crimson and the younger boys shuffled out of her sight.
I wonder what that was about, Ariana thought. Her sophomore year had only started a few weeks ago, but her school wasn’t exactly kind when it came to rumors. And although she and her friends were often praised in the whispers, there were many vicious lies spread about them as well.
She closed her eyes, enjoying the natural light after being trapped in fluorescent-lit classrooms for the past seven hours. Most of her friends were still at their usual spot inside, but Ariana hadn’t felt like sticking around to talk to everyone today.
The heat from the August sun was causing her to sweat despite the short indigo romper she wore, and a drip slid down her back. She flipped her head over to pull her hair into a messy bun, exposing her neck to the summer breeze.
When she stood up again, Ariana smiled as she spotted her two best friends, Jade Pierce and Kiara Lancor, walking toward her and causing a ripple of turning heads after them. Jade wore a black baby tee that stopped an inch above her dark denim jeans, revealing a tantalizing sliver of tanned midriff. Her long, chocolate-brown hair was pulled half up and tied in a bun—a token hairstyle of Jade’s that many attempted to replicate, but soon found would never look half as good on them as it did on her. Kiara was the antithesis of Jade in a beige sundress that hugged her body around the waist, her icy blonde hair billowing out behind her.
“Thank God it’s Friday,” Jade said as they reached Ariana.
A flutter in her peripheral vision caused Ariana to glance around. The freshman boys from earlier had come back with more of their friends and were now staring open-mouthed at them. Kiara and Jade either didn’t see them or didn’t care, because they continued their conversation as if there weren’t a cluster of drooling freshmen following their every movement.
“You act like we didn’t just go out last night,” Kiara said, laughing.
“Ugh, don’t remind me. My head still hurts from sleep deprivation.” Jade groaned, squeezing her dark green eyes shut and rubbing her temples.
“I told you I have the remedy for that!” Kiara scolded.
“And I told you I can’t just get high whenever like you can! Weed is your remedy for everything Kiara,” Jade retorted. “Literally... everything.”
Ariana laughed at the honesty of Jade’s statement. From looking at Kiara though, she was the last person anyone would expect to be a stoner. She was beautiful in a way that made you want to know her, with blue-green eyes that saw more than they let on and an athletic figure that hid the fact that she ever got the munchies. The only person that possibly smoked more than Kiara was her boyfriend of six months, Teague Alexander. Teague was a grade above them and had been a huge player his sophomore year—his constant shirtless skateboarding and skills as a drummer had given him easy advantages over most of the guys at their school. But his wild days quickly ended once he met Kiara.
“Ian Alkine is looking hot today…” Jade mused, interrupting Ariana’s train of thought. Ian and his friends had just finished afternoon football practice and were lingering close to their trucks nearby. The boys’ muscles glistened with sweat, visible through their ripped and battered workout tanks. Ian stood on the bed of his truck, squeezing his water bottle onto his head before shaking his wet hair out all over his laughing friends.
“Ian going to be your new flavor of the week, Jade?” Ariana teased.
Jade stretched her lithe arms above her head, her black baby tee lifting to reveal several more inches of midriff. Her movement elicited appreciative looks from the nearby group of boys, Ian included. Jade caught Ian’s eye and smiled devilishly, causing Ariana to laugh again. Jade just had that thing—all the straight guys wanted her, and all the girls either wanted to be her or kill her.
“It’s not my fault he looks like that,” Jade said, gesturing toward Ian with a flick of her hand. “His body is practically screaming ‘come and lick ice cream off me!’”
“And what would Taron think of that?” Kiara quipped. “Or the majority of the junior girls obsessed with Ian?”
“None of the juniors have any claim on Ian. And as for Taron, he knows I don’t want anything serious. All we did was kiss, anyway! So, he has no claim on me—he understands that,” Jade said as she toyed with the slender black leather bracelet she wore around her right wrist.
“I’m not so sure about that…” Kiara trailed off as Taron Canter approached them, gazing at Jade like he either wanted to kiss her or to eat her and hadn’t quite made his mind up yet. Taron ducked behind Jade and wrapped his arms around her waist.
“What’s up, ladies?” Taron said with a smile, giving Jade a kiss on the cheek.
Ariana had been attracted to Taron back when she first met him, but then again, it was a little hard not to be. He looked like he had just walked off of a movie set, starring the most typically white, hot teenage male possible. He had blonde hair, blue eyes, and a dazzling smile to match. However, upon spending about five minutes talking to Taron, his personality—or lack thereof—had been enough to turn Ariana off for good. He did have an unbelievable party house though, and his parents were away traveling almost every weekend. But besides that Taron Canter’s forte was more or less standing around and looking hot.
After one of Taron’s infamous parties the previous weekend, Jade had regaled Ariana and Kiara with a story of how she spontaneously took Taron behind a shed in the backyard and kissed him. This had been due to a bit of boredom on Jade’s part and was just a spur-of-the-moment thing, she had explained—an exciting incident not to be repeated.
Ariana looked from Taron to Jade, and then finally to Kiara, catching Kiara’s eye as they both smirked—clearly, Taron had not gotten the “spur of the moment; nothing serious” memo. She tried not to laugh at the surprised and disgusted look plastered on Jade’s face as she spoke to Taron. “Nothing, we were just saying how thankful we are that it’s Friday.”
Taron ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “Tell me about it. But you guys are coming to the party at my place tonight, right?”
“Possibly,” Jade said as she skillfully sidestepped out of Taron’s embrace.
“Probably,” Kiara countered with a sympathetic smile. Kiara and Ariana had seen Jade quickly lose interest in many guys before Taron. Fortunately for him, Taron remained blissfully unaware of Jade’s discomfort. The thought that he, Taron Canter, could possibly be rejected had likely never crossed his mind.
“All right, I’ll see you later, babe,” Taron said before sauntering off.
When he was far enough away, Ariana and Kiara burst into laughter. Jade crossed her arms and furrowed her arched eyebrows at them.
“Yeah, he really got the message babe,” Kiara choked out.
“Laugh it up guys,” Jade muttered.
Kiara threw an arm around Jade’s shoulder. “C’mon. Let’s go to my house to get ready. I have some cannabis tea I want you to try.”
“Kiara!” Jade said as Ariana laughed.
“Turn it up, Ari!” Jade’s muffled voice yelled from Kiara’s bathroom. “I love this song!”
Ariana and Kiara sat cross-legged on the plush, cream-colored carpet of Kiara’s bedroom as they attempted to do each other’s makeup. Ariana adjusted the volume so that Carsen’s “You” emanated through the room while taking a sip of her CBD-infused tea. Kiara had given her the option of THC tea, which Ariana had politely declined for fear of heightening her anxiety. No one ever seemed to understand how she could have full-blown panic attacks and not know what they stemmed from, so most of the time she ended up keeping the incidents to herself. Not even Kiara or Jade truly understood—they tried to, but they couldn’t.
She took another sip from the teacup, staring above Kiara’s shoulder at a painting of a beautiful dark-skinned girl lounging with two lions, her midnight eyes locked on the viewer in confidence. The girl in the painting probably wouldn’t have anxiety attacks, Ariana thought dismally.
“Hold still, Ari,” Kiara said, putting a hand on Ariana’s shoulder to hold her in place. “I’m still finishing your left eye.”
Ariana did her best to stop fidgeting. She noticed the creamy silk robe Kiara had donned for their make-up session had slipped down her friend’s shoulder.
“How’d you get so much more tan than the rest of us this summer, K?” Ariana asked, reaching forward to pull the robe back up, spotting a new spatter of freckles on Kiara’s shoulder.
“Lots of time on my roof with Teague,” Kiara said, her cheeks glowing pink.
“Oh, I’m surprised you got any sun then since his body was probably on top of yours the whole time,” Jade joked from the bathroom.
Kiara let out a faux-shocked gasp. “My goodness gracious, I would never!” she said in a fake Southern accent.
“Sweetheart?” Kiara’s mother called from the hallway. There was a soft knock on the door, and Ariana turned down the music while simultaneously sliding her drink into the closet out of habit. But the teacup wouldn’t look suspicious, Ariana reminded herself, and besides, Karen Lancor wouldn’t care.
“Come in, Mom!” Kiara sang.
Karen opened the door but didn’t come through the doorway, leaving the girls their space. Her blonde hair was pulled back into a short ponytail and royal blue reading glasses sat perched on her nose. “Is anyone parking here tonight to walk to Taron’s house? If so, I’ll pull Jon’s car in.”
“Yeah, I think so. Thank you,” Kiara said.
“And if anyone tries to drink and drive, you know what to do.”
“Yes, Mom. Walk them back here, hide their keys in the laundry basket, and throw them onto one of the couches.”
“Good girl,” Karen said, her blond brows furrowed in concern. “Call me if you need anything. I mean it.”
“I will!” Kiara said, sweeping her long blonde hair over her shoulder before adding a finishing touch of eye shadow on Ariana.
“We all will,” Ariana chimed in, blinking her eyes open.
Karen focused on Ariana, her face relaxing. “Oh, you look lovely, Ariana!”
Ariana smiled. “Thank you, Karen.” It used to be strange for her to be so at ease around parents, but Ariana had quickly learned that Karen and Jon Lancor weren’t like the rest.
“Yes, I am quite the makeup artiste!” Kiara said with a giggle, taking a small hit of weed from her vaporizer in plain sight of her mother. Ariana’s eyes bulged. She still wasn’t that at ease though.
“Have fun tonight!” Karen said before she swept back downstairs.
Jade popped her head out of the bathroom door. “Has anyone ever told you that your parents are the coolest in all the land?”
“Allllll the time,” Kiara said.
Sadness gripped Ariana’s stomach. She thought of her own small family—it was only she and her mom. She would have given anything to have her dad back, even for a day. To hear him say he was proud of her, to give her advice, to hold her when she was sad. But that was only a dream now. Luckily, Ariana could commiserate with Jade—both of their fathers had died when they were younger.
Ariana thought back to the first time she and Jade told each other their stories. Ariana had gone first, describing the car accident that had taken her father’s life when she was ten years old, and Jade had listened in a way that only someone who had experienced that kind of pain and loss could. When Jade told her story next, Ariana was shocked and heartbroken that this beautiful girl she was coming to know and love had already been through such a tragedy. From the way Jade carried herself though, Ariana never would have guessed her broken past.
“Okay, look at your eyes now,” Kiara said.
Ariana turned and studied herself in the full-length mirror leaning against the bedroom wall. Kiara had worked her magic all right—Ariana’s eyes were smoldering thanks to some expertly applied smoky shadow.
“I love it. You’re a miracle worker,” Ariana cooed.
Kiara grinned. “You killed my makeup, too.” Ariana had smudged light brown shadow over Kiara’s blue-green eyes and drawn pink stars in liquid liner in the outer corners of each lid. Kiara headed to the bathroom to join Jade, leaving Ariana with her reflection. She was wearing a backless navy silk top and a black skirt that showed off her legs, her golden brown hair cascading in loose curls that tickled her bare skin. She was a few sizes bigger than Kiara and Jade and loved the way the skirt hugged her hips and butt. Ariana glanced up at her face. She looked dangerous and confident and brave—much braver than she felt—which was exactly what she needed tonight because he would be there. Ariana sighed, welcoming the familiar flutter in her stomach that came whenever she thought of Lukas and fell into the memory of the first time they met.
Two weeks ago, Ariana ditched her homeroom study period to hang out in Kiara’s, since Kiara’s teacher was lax and her homeroom usually turned into a rowdy gathering of all grades. Ariana had walked from the back of the classroom to get a drink of water from the hallway, passing Lukas along the way.
He had followed her.
“Hey.” Ariana heard from behind her. “I saw you last week.”
Ariana spun around to find one of the hottest guys she had ever seen in her life standing a few feet away. He was similar in stature to a pro athlete, with black hair that fell in a sort of sexy disarray and bright brown eyes. Lukas’ mouth turned upward into a smile and desire streaked through her body, catching her off guard. Ariana was suddenly and acutely aware that they were alone in the hallway.
“I’m sorry?” Ariana asked, confused as to what the insanely hot senior was referencing.
“Last week at the football game. I saw you with your friends. I wanted to know you,” he said, taking a step toward her.
The way he spoke was so different from the boys in her year—his words flowed out with the utmost self-assurance and captivated her, like a poem. Ariana hadn’t been able to find any words to say.
“I’m Lukas,” he said. He smiled again, and she wondered if he could see her heart beating through her chest.
“Ariana,” she recovered.
“I’ll see you around then, Ariana.” He turned and walked away without so much as a glance back.
Lukas had left her there, feeling a stronger attraction to him than she had ever felt for anyone. Ariana hadn’t spoken to him since that day—they didn’t have each other’s numbers and their schedules didn’t exactly coincide. Surely he could have found her on social media, but nothing had happened yet. That is, until today. He had strolled through her lunch period and sought her out with his eyes from across the cafeteria, staring at her unabashed while he spoke with a friend. That look had set her on fire.
Jade and Kiara appeared from the bathroom, ready to go. Jade hadn’t bothered to dress up at all, wearing the same outfit from earlier that day. Her hair and face looked like she had taken hours getting ready when in reality she had only been in the bathroom for ten minutes. Kiara looked great too, in her usual dressed-down style. She wore a simple white tank top that cut down to show the top of her tan cleavage and distressed jeans that cuffed around the ankle. Her light blonde hair twisted into a fishtail braid that fell down her left shoulder, passing another three pink stars Ariana had drawn on her collarbone.
“Haiden texted me—he’s out front waiting for us to walk over,” Kiara said.
The girls stepped into the moonlit night and Ariana paused on the stone steps. She took in a deep breath, bringing herself fully into the present moment. The delicious smell of evening air and freshly cut grass made its way into her nose, and a slow grin spread across her face as she basked in the anticipation that rolled around in her stomach. She could hardly wait to see Lukas again.
“Ariana! Get over here!” Kiara yelled to her from the driveway, grinning.
Ariana let out a giddy laugh and took off after her friends. She had a feeling something big was about to happen, and she could hardly wait to see what it was.
“Last week at the football game. I saw you with your friends. I wanted to know you,” he said, taking a step toward her. (!!!)
"“Yes, I am quite the makeup artiste!” Kiara said with a giggle, taking a small hit of weed from her vaporizer in plain sight of her mother. Ariana’s eyes bulged."
Lol, love it. 😂